I miss you

I can hear the raindrops. As if they were echoing through my memory of that night where we laid sidebar side savouring that moment.

Lil friend suggested I watch family guy today. & before I could think of saying yes or no to her;all I could think of was you; all I could hear was the song, in the background;like when we laid in your bed watching.

I may have had a couple of drinks tonight, harmless yet heart wrenching. Drinking really makes me miss you. Not only because alcohol is a depressant. But because of all those times you’ve taken care of me when I was drunk. Sleeping outside your room. Falling asleep by the fridge. I was never that drunk to not be able to move anywhere was I?

I just wanted to be with you

Thosewords still taunt me to this day, a good seven months later. So true from my heart I said those words. To the first person every to have heard those words from me broke my heart.

But I miss him so much. Every part of me wants to be near you right now, to drive the odd hour, and spend pointless time in a cold cold house just so I could hear you way barely two sentences to me. Just so I could see you walk by when you go to the bathroom. Just so I could stalk you when you’re making tea.

What have I become.

Stupid Kim this is what you chose. To stay home and drink tonight, when you had plans for your booty who would have taken a lot more off than just my mind.

But it feels dirty. Isn’t that the point. To make this reality and separation with J so much more real. To accept the reality that ican never go back to him. Or ever move forward from this.

I love you. Despite it all,I just really feel like I want to say it to you right now. I love you.

Home.

I wanna go home, but it’s conflicting. Whether you are present or not it still hurts. If you’re not I’d miss long for your physical presence being there. If you are home then I’d miss you even more because despite you being there, you’re not.
I think of just running away whenever I see your face or hear you there, because it hurts so much, but when I am awayI can’t help but assure myself that - this is better than nothing & convince myself to return.

What hurts more?

There are seven stages of grief

As a student of psychology I know there are seven steps of loss and grief. Every time I feel like I’m making some progress in forgetting you; forgetting how I feel about you and forgetting the person I was when I was with you; I always tumble back and fall back into old habits.

Shock or Disbelief
I don’t get why, I would be in shock or disbelief. Throughout the whole holiday period, I sort of knew that things wouldn’t be the same when we see each other again, but I continued to hold onto the hope of us. Yet the shock was unbearable, the who was my world, you broke my heart and shattered the world i lived in. You were the rope who held me tight. But really you weren’t, were you? I was naive to think you weren’t going to hurt me. I was naive to think that even if you did, you’d do it, considerate of my feelings. I am such a fool.
- Denial
I know there’s something more, a reason for you actions and that you never forgotten that we were together. The things you said, it wasn’t from the bottom of your heart was it? It was all lies, just words to be said out of convenience. You’re lying to yourself by doing this to me.
- Anger
I’m not angry at you. I anger myself. How am I so pathetic without you? You were merely one person, yet I let you take so much control of my life. My actions and most importantly my emotions. I want to get back at you, to say the meanest things out there. Just so you would never love again, but then again, you don’t love do you. That is the wrong word. So you’ll never open up again. Shrivel and die in your rut of nothingness. Don’t bitch and whinge about your pathetic so called cunt of dickhead friends when the way you put out for them is treaded on. People obviously use you, and if you want two seconds of fame then there you have it. It’s your own fucking stupid fault. Nice? You really aren’t, are you? You only want to be recognised, acknowledged and more importantly you just want to feel like you belong. But I’m sorry you never will. Eldest child? Whatever have you done? Closest son? You will never succeed or even go as far as your father has stepped. End your life because there is nothing to look forward to? Do, and we’ll only ever remember how pathetic of a weak character you are.
I’m sorry. But this is the only way I can occupy your mind again then let it be it.hate me for as much as I love you. And let the poison seep through you, ache you to your bones, pump it to your heart and die remembering that’s how hateful you’ve made me become.
- Bargaining
I don’t need it, forget all that I have said, forget all that we have did and let’s return to the days before anything and everything happened.
However I am not as naive as that. You have even denied me of my chances of being naive by you- nothing is every the same, no two things happen twice bullshit.
So I can’t have you mentally, emotionally. Lets just fuck and cuddle?

Man, I am such a fool.
- Guilt
- Depression
- Acceptance and Hope

Lets leave the rest until next time. I’ve done enough stabbing for today.

As much as I want to say it.
I hate that I love you so much right now

Time does not move;relapse

It’s been so long. Yet the pain masked by the scent of cheap sex and burning vodka still lingers behind those eyes. Waking up in the morning and looking into the mirror every morning I ask myself, what was it that made you love me?

The answer only so logical, tearing me from my dreamy romance.

We aren’t optimistic people, we try to be. We don’t change, we try to.The loneliness you’ve felt so long, only I entering your realm of self isolation. I tried to make a difference. I wish could, and so did you. That’s why isn’t it? You thought your life would turnaround. You were desperate for someone.

Am I talking about myself or you?

No, I loved you because you were there, almost as important as my air. Seeing you everyday, talking to you everyday. Laughing with you everyday. Connecting with you. Dancing with your mind, I’d always show that little extra care. Manipulating you to think that I cared. When really, did I?

I care more now than I ever did, not because my love for you continues to grow. But because I think you’ll one day turn around and see me again.

You’re not my sanction. You were just the first person I felt so comfortable to open up to. Exposing sides of myself that I thought I’d never reveal.

It’s always the bluntest knives that hurt the most. I lie. Did I every really love you likei claimed or was it because you were the safest thing.

You were the benefit of the doubt and I knew you, or so I thought I knew you. Yourself, the nicest guy I’ve ever met. I never thought you’d break my heart the way you did. The way you do.

The dark eyes of yours, something that once mesmerised me so much, now fill me with fear. The nonchalant look in your eyes, the care that you no longer show, the emotions you no longer have make me tremble.

Are you the same person who said he almost loved me?no you are not. You said that person was never you. Is it? You can’t just fake a whole new character can you? Maybe it’s just a side of you that you’ve never seen so you’re just denying it to reality.

Or so I tell myself.

Almost five months on, and I still want you back. I would do anything to have you back.

But I kno tht it won’t be the same. Because there is no such thing as déjà vu. But I can only dream.

If I ever dreamed again. I’ve done things, that my own existence detests. Using friends who love me from the bottom of my heart, exploiting their weakness;me, just so I could buy twenty seconds of emptiness. Just so I wouldn’t need to think of you.

It disgusting. How can I say I was in love with you, or i am still in love with you when such I can blankly sleep with other people.
Without a moments hesitation.
Oh that’s anticlimactic, because there is hesitation, but it disperses. Because I know every time I commit such an act, it’ll taint my chances of ever being accepted by you again. And with that I hope, I wish that maybe we could go back to the way things were. Before everything.

Would I go back and choose the before? I used to confidently say I would always choose the same path because there is no regret. It was the happiest moments of my life. It still is. For now.

But truthfully, I don’t know. At times like this when I feel weak, I can only ponder on the what ifs, because only that can take me out of this reality.

A reality of me accepting the fact that we’ll never be. I miss you do much, and even if you knew it, it wouldn’t have mattered to you. Would it?

Why do I do this to myself? Peeling scabs. When I’ve finally made some progress healing?

Is it because I constantly like feeling wronged, and dramatic?
I don’t know. Maybe it has the fact to do with tonight is a Wednesday night, and you’re readily putting yourself on the market. Aren’t you? I don’t know

Why wouldn’t you, when I am evidently forcing myself to fuck other people. Man, I disgust myself.

And I know it’s wrong, but I am blaming you for that.

Iloveyouj

If I only write of the good times then only those will be told right? But then what will be remembered? I still can’t bring myself to this reality so let me drown in for a little while because, you out of all people, I would never have expected this pain from you. I thought you said I deserved more.

Abandoning this blog, and revisiting it to remind me of the turmoil I was put through; I thought. Why only write when there are emotions? Why not write to rid yourself forever of those emotions. But clearly, it aches too much now to continue writing.

Cute. I wanted to take advantage of your non sober state before, but no. I can’t. Because you said there is only one reality. We are just friends. But isn’t the truth that, we were once so much more than that? Even before the sex?

Happy Lunar New Years everybody!

A time of the year where families gather round, united, together in happiness & my dinner table is empty. With nothing but nostalgia for what can not be had ever again. Yet, the heart continues to pray for the right turn. Too bad. It’s not a - two wrongs make a right - sort of situation.

On totally unrelated matters, today I do feel like missing him. But is it because Im just looking for other means of affection because my family cannot satisfy me?
Maybe. But maybe this rush of reality that I will be living with this person. A person I have not had contact with for the pass, however long, and then suddenly bam - together again.

Give me everything and then take it all away, why?

On my 18th birthday my first family photo in a while was taken. When I graduated highschool, we had the first family gathering in forever. When I was 18.5 years old, everyone spent the new year together.

Now? With all the steps taken forward, ive stumbled double as much back.

Who’s pain is greater?

The pain of loss or the pain of never knowing.