I came home, looking forward to seeing you. In the driveway I see not only your car but also an unknown vehicle. I walk through our doors and for some reason I can just visualise our lounge room, how it was set up. A blue mattress. It didnt mak3 sense. Until I turned the corner and there was you and a girl I’d never met before.She stood behind you. Until you started telling me that ‘shes the 5th girl’ when I asked whho she was. “The 5th girl. You were the first, she is the 5th. I have been bringing girls home ever since we broke it off’ .
Right at that moment, my heart broke once more. To you, you said the number five but for some reason it meant like 15 or 20 or just a big number that was not five.
And as you ushered her to the door I broke down beside my bed. My bed with the blue sheets. I cried. My world crumbled, such a familiar feelings of devastion.
For some reason Natalie and Josh were there, and as they were trying to make me feel better they made it worse.
'You couldnt have loved him that much'
‘Did you even love him?’
‘Move on, hes nothing’
And as I cried, uncontrollably. I woke up to my very reality tears.
Blood and tears. My heart ached once more, a feeling that I had not felt in so long yet felt so familiar.
It must have been a premonition. But I dont get why. I know he does not hold any feelings for me. Sex is the only tie left I have with him. And sadly, ive come to accept that. Locking out all lingering feeling and any possible emotions.
Ive moved on, why cant my subconscious let him go.
I love you.
No I dont, but if thats what I have to say to myself for these illogical pathetic course of action then let it be it.
It doesnt matter anyway. Im lying to myself. I dont even know how I feel or what I think anymore.
Im in too deep to think.
For a person who can not reach REM sleep so easily, my reality is my sanction. Where the surrealism of life is my way of living.